Enrico’s scientific team has been doing a little irregular anthropological research into the mating habits of the hairless apes inhabiting certain regions of the North American landmass.
The female hairless apes, it is widely accepted, scrutinize their suitors for traits found desirable by the hairless apes, and utilize a wide variety of non-intuitive proxies to assess their suitors.
For example, a male hairless ape with relatively more hair on his cranial region is deemed relatively more desirable. A male hairless ape who has sufficient muscular control over his vocal cords for sustained rhythmic voiced wailing, and the stamina to carry on the wailing at length, at times for hours, is deemed quite desirable by the female hairless apes. The male hairless ape who can induce the female hairless ape into a kind of staccato pulmonary-vocal spasm, known as “laughter” in the hairless ape lingua franca, through humorous antics, is deemed quite desirable.
It must be seen as axiomatic that these unusual proxies have proven through the eons of hairless ape existence to be reliable proxies for detecting mates who are capable of producing healthy offspring, thus propagating the genetic information of the male hairless apes who are relatively more hirsute on their craniums, for example.
Enrico’s research has focused on the initial moments of male-female contact, when the male is gambling all on some strategem to gain the female’s attention, which will permit him to exhibit the totality of his qualifications to mate with the female.
Here are some of the most successful initial gambit stratagems Enrico’s crack team of anthropological researchers have docume nted:
– Male: Are your clothes made of mirrors? ‘Cause I can see myself in your pants.
– Male: Did you know that the human body has 206 bones in it? Female: [answer irrelevant]. Male: Would you like to have one more?
– Male: Are you related to Oscar Meyer? ‘Cause you sure have given me a footlong.
– Male: Do you know, I have a supernatural time-telling device which tells me that you are not wearing underclothes. Female: [Typically, female hairless apes will not admit to omitting underclothing, even if this is in fact the case. There is apparently some widespread hairless ape fetishism around the wearing of underclothing. If the female confesses to being without underclothing, then the male hairless ape sees his way clear to immediate mating. If the female hairless ape denies this, then the gambit proceeds.] I am too wearing underclothing. Male: Oh, my supernatural time-telling device must be 15 minutes fast.
Enrico’s researchers admit to being baffled by the non-intuitive nature of the scrutiny of potential mates. Enrico’s researchers also noted that, when a male hairless ape makes a straightforward request that the female hairless ape consent to mating activity, one-third of female hairless apes consent and mating immediately ensues.
Enrico invites his readers to report on other unusually successful initial male gambits.